That Old TV Show
by InsertCleverNameHere
Summary: A Hellsing spin on some classic T.V. shows R&R damnit!
1. Chapter 1

Pip's island

Disclaimer: Okay if you haven't gotten the picture yet tell me where you live and I'll come over and bash you in the head with a bat, 'cause you're a retard.

I'm not doing Pip's accent, cause I'm lazy.

Just another day at the Hellsing mansion. The Hellsing group was gathered in the living room watching reruns of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

" This show sucks," Schrödinger complained.

" You know what you suck," Pip said.

" Hey who let you in you Nazi bastard!" Seras yelled.

" Well what are you going to do about it?" Schrödinger asked.

Walter grabbed a broom and the other Millennium members scrambled while yelling " Oh my God he's got a broom, run!" The Hellsing members jumped behind the couch as Walter went nuts, chasing the Millennium out.

Once Millennium had been gotten rid of, the Hellsing members made a startling discovery. MST 3000 was over. So they began flipping through the channels: South Park the Paris Hilton episode, Seinfeld the Nazi leader episode, Friends the one with the black guy (oh wait there was none because they are racists), and the Gilligan's island episode with the Globe Trotters vs the robots.

" Hey I wonder what it would be like if we all got stuck on an island?" Pip asked. Suddenly Pip began waving his hands in front of him and repeating the word island.

" Shut up Pip!" Alucard yelled.

" You shut up."

" What did you say!"

" Nothing," he said in a small voice, before leaving the room.

Out behind ye old Hellsing manor is a small shed (interesting side note during his first year as a member of Hellsing this was Pip's house). Here Pip was building a boat and one day when he stopped being a pansy he would ask Seras to marry him and they would sail away into the sunset.

Seras walked just as Pip was shaving down one of the sides. " I can't believe your still working on this thing."

" Hey when I stop being pansy I'm going to ask you to marry me then we'll sail away into the sunset, whoa deja-vu. Besides when tsunami season comes you'll be glad we have it."

A handsome man enters, " ha you two getting married?"

" Why cause I'm a vampire and he's human?" she yelled.

" No because he's French and your a girl." Handsome man leaves.

" Wait there are no tsunami's in England."

" That's what I said."

Seras deiced it was better not to continue. " Even if you do finish this we'll probably only be able to sail around for about three hours before a storm strands us on an uncharted desert isle."

The Alucard busted down the door. " Hey people use that ya know, now next months pay will have to go into fixing that door."

" Shut up human slave. Are you people talking about that boat again?" Alucard asked.

" Yes," Pip said.

" Good cause, (enter Gilligan's island theme). Sit right back and you'll here a tail of a fateful trip that started in this tiny shack aboard this tiny ship. Hellsing enter through the front and back doors.

(All together)

The first mate was a mighty sailing man, the skipper brave and sure", (everyone begins to mumble) " a three hour tour a three hour tour."

Millennium and Iscariot members enter through windows and floor boards.

(All together)

" The weather started getting rough the tiny ship was tossed if not for the courage of the fearless crew the minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost. The crew were stranded on an uncharted desert isle. With Gilligan (Schrödinger), the skipper too (Major), the Millionaire (Alucard) and his wife (Integra (Integra: hey what!)), The Movie Star (Rip), The Professor (Walter) and Mary Ann (Seras) and the rest (Pip: what the hell?) here on Pip's island.

We now see a crappy ship on it's side with a hole (that's not all that big). First Gilligan comes out with a life saver around his waste " Abandon ship," he yells as he jumps into the sand.

" Gilligan!" the skipper yells as he wallops him over the head with his hat.

Ginger comes out next with a huge musket over her shoulder. " Where the heil are we?"

Mary Ann comes out along with the professor, " Shut up Nazi!" then Mary Ann (Seras) kicks her into the water. " Heh, heh that's good stuff. So how are we going to get off this island?" She asks.

" I don't know fixing that hole is far beyond our technology. Now I'm going off to collect leaves and twigs to build a doctors office. Later I'll get some coconuts to build us a stereo system and a surround sound theater with a built in DVD player," the Professor replies.

" Well I can't help, I just a farm girl with this amazing rack."

The millionaire and his wife came out next.

" Why the hell am I his wife," Integra screamed.

" 'cause you guys are so cute together," say I (wait who wrote that song? Oh right Creed).

Before she can reply Pip comes out of the boat, dressed as well Pip (hey it was either this or ginger). " Hey guys I'm Pip."

(All together)

" Hi Pip!"

" Why am I here I don't even like this show, I wanted to be on Mystery Science Theater 3000."


	2. Chapter 2

Pip's Island part twhoa, I mean two

Thanks for the review pyromaniacgrl, and yes you did read Operation Pay Back before, you can find your answer in the story Game Day.

Disclaimer: usual crap

Castaways

Skipper: Major

Gilligan: Schrödinger

Millionaire: Alucard

Millionaire's Wife: Integra

Professor: Walter

Movie star/Ginger: Rip Van

Mary Ann: Seras

Pip: Pip

Natives

Chief Coffee: Maxwell

Chief's right hand man: Anderson

Natives: Yumiko, Heinkel, and Sir Penwood

Still not doing the accents.

" Wait why is the island named after me but I'm almost not even in the story?"

" What are you talking about?" Alucard asked.

" Well I have no character and I was almost a girl. Plus in the last story this author wrote I was a slave and apparently a metro sexual."

" Well then maybe you should stop acting so French."

" What the hell does that mean? I don't even have an accent anymore because he was to lazy to make me one. So I want a better reason for why this is called Pip's island."

" Simple," Alucard replied. " First it was your boat, that just happened to crap out and strand us here." Everyone began shooting death glares at Pip. " And if it hadn't been for your craftsmanship we wouldn't be here." Collective thirst for blood intensifies. " And that's why you have become our slave, now chop, chop, I want that satellite up by noon."

" Ya know maybe it was you guys bringing all this stuff that sank the ship. After all we were only going for a three hour tour, why did you bring all these clothes and equipment. Tools, satellites, a giant musket. I think what I'm really trying to say is, do you think I have a shot with Rip. Heh, heh, shot because she-"

" Yeah we got it Pip."

" Pip, you can look but don't touch. Or I'll have to upgrade you to totally blind," Seras said.

" Hey a golf set made entirely from gold, why was this here, oh I should just throw this out."

From behind Pip could here shouts as the skipper and the millionaire got into a fight. " What's going on," Pip yelled.

" The skipper wants to back out on our deal after he traded his stick for my rock."

" What? There are hundreds of sticks and rocks all over this island," Pip said.

" But I want that one," the skipper complained.

" Listen," The millionaire said. " We have to live on this island now, and that means we'll have to build a society here. And the rule of that society will be…" he pulls out his Jackal. " No backsies."

As the fight continued to grow Pip climbed into the highest tree he could find and fired around in the air. Since they were all soldiers and use to hearing this they all opened up on the tree. Pip barely managed to escape, but at least he got their attention (heh, heh, ah crap).

" Listen if we're all stuck here we should at least try to make the best of it. We can be just like that" camera zooms in on his face, and his voice gets deeper. " **OLD T.V. SHOW. **We can live like kings hell, ass, damn it like kings (I set this as a T rating and damn it I'm going to get my money's worth). With cars and robots, and coconut powered movie theaters. And every night the monkey butlers can regale us with jungle stories. Any questions?"

The millionaires wife raised her hand. " How many monkey butlers will there be?"

" Well one at first, but he'll train others. Okay first we'll need food, so the evil guys go that way, good guys go that way." Alucard I mean the millionaire (damn it) just stood. " What is now Alucard?"

" Which side do I go on. I mean I did save the world but that was cause I was forced to and-"

" Just go with Integra."

" Okay, oh and to the author will there be any ( whistle, honking, wolf noises)"

" No because if I do I will be murdered in my sleep."

After the two food patrols went off the only two left on the beach was Pip and Seras. Pip came over and put his arm around her. " So it looks like we're all alone."

" If you write anything between the two of us I'll murder you in your sleep."

Pip disappeared and then reappeared thirty feet away from her.

(two hours later)

The two teams then came back without any food, or so it would seem. " Well it's a good thing you guys are back, we've just been here doing nothing of interest until this exact moment. So uh wheres the food?"

" Wellll," the professor began. " There doesn't seem to be any on the island."

" What? But what about all the food in my dream, pot roasts, steak, fruit, and all those chewy, chewy magic beans!"

" Well we did find something," The skipper said. " But these berries look kinda poisonous."

" I eated the purple berries," Schrödinger said. Suddenly he fell to the ground grabbing his stomach as the others gathered around him.

" How does it taste Gilligan good?" Ginger asked.

" Tastes like, burning."

" Okay food patrol blew it," Pip said.

" Yeah well your shelter looks kinda crappy, kinda real crappy," the millionaire said.

" Hey when tsunami season comes you'll be glad it's there. Whoa deja-vu, a big one too a pyromaniacgrl deja-vu. Well whatever."

Suddenly there was a rustlin in the bushes. Everybody got up to look.

" What's that," Mary Ann asked.

" On an uncharted desert isle it could only be one thing, reality show contestants."

" No!" Mary Ann gasped.

" Oh yes, they're out there. One show more stupid and retarded then the last. Taking up time for hilariously scripted sitcoms. And then celeb reality on both MTVs and VH1. I remember when those channels were based on music, now all we got is two hours of music videos a day. And most are retarded Hip-Hop or gay Pop, where the hell is all the #!$ing rock! Barely any punk and absolutely no metal, heavy metal, or death metal! All we get is two hours a week on head bangers ball! Where's the #!$ing justice?"

" Uh yeahhh, I don't think that's them," the professor replied.

Suddenly Iscariot and Convention of 12 member jumped out of the bushes dressed as Native Americans.

" Crap," Pip said. Right before he was knocked over the head with a spear.

When he came to he saw the millionaire talking with the leader of the natives. " I am chief Coffee leader of the native of this island."

" Take me to your leader," the millionaire said.

" Moving on. We have lived on Pip's island since the great spirit in the sky first created time."

" Wait it is called Pip's island?" Pip asked.

" No, but the last name was lame and stupid, we like. It has that double pop, Pip, P-i-P, P-I-P, P-I-P."

" This society is a bunch of morons," the millionaire's wife said.

" Now the reason we brought you here, convert to our religion or die!"

" What?" Everyone said in unison.

" What it's not that bad, our religion was built on a foundation of love. And anyone who thinks the Catholic religion is evil can suck my balls."

" Nah I don't think we'll be converting, now we'll trade you the whole island for some beads."

" We're not retards. After all you did notice we're speaking English. That's cause we have the internet."

" Oh."

Narrator: And so the castaways learned to live in peace with the natives until they were finally rescued by oh let's say Vash, Blade, and the Crow, led by Col. Sanders of course. (that could happen right?)

(Nixon's voice) **END!**


End file.
